Former Ute battles for mental health

Former University of Utah wide receiver Dave Kozlowski was one of those kids that could have fallen off the edge into oblivion many times early on in life. Born to a single mom who was addicted to drugs and suffered with her own mental health issues he was adopted by his grandma and raised as the youngest of her children. Living with his grandma in a very traditional Samoan culture came with it's own set of problems for Kozlowski though.

"I look back now and I had so much anger built up inside, but I also wanted to be loved and accepted," Kozlowski recalls of his childhood. "My grandmother had a lot of her own issues emotionally and psychologically but I knew she loved me. She just didn't know how to love herself. It was hard and unique for me growing up."

Kozlowski describes his time with his grandma and his siblings (aunts and uncles) as a TV show- always actively watching what was happening but never feeling included. "The closest sibling to me was 10 years older than me so I feel like everyday I was watching this channel on TV and I was watching this yelling over here or this hitting over there. There's anger and people laughing and all of these different things going on, but like I couldn't change the channel," he said.

The one saving grace in Kozlowski's life that also turned into one of his biggest downfalls later on was sports. Growing up in Southern California Kozlowski spent a lot of time at the beach surfing, which was his release from all of the noise and turmoil going on in his life. He admitted he often times skipped football practice even as a senior in high school in order to hit the waves and find peace.

"If it hadn't been for sports I would have been hanging out with all the drug addicts. I just didn't feel like I fit in anywhere. I didn't feel like I was good enough," Kozlowski said. "I had a couple of physical attributes that made it obvious that I wasn't full blooded Samoan in that family and so every time I saw that part of my body that looked different than them- it's just weird looking at a picture and not seeing anyone that looks like you. I definitely dealt with that my whole life holding it in."

Having two brothers/uncles have successful careers in the NFL didn't help Kozlowski's mindset and caused added pressure for him out on the field. "I always wanted to be like my brothers growing up- the typical alpha male but I always knew deep down inside I was nothing like them," he said. "I had a hard time in high school because I'd always pretend to be this cocky, arrogant guy like you're supposed to be in football and sports but then I wanted to be a peer counselor and I was a peer counselor in high school. I wanted a different type of connection or relationship."

Kozlowski eventually made his way to the University of Utah where he started at wide receiver as a true freshman (something he calls the freshman curse), but his troubles didn't end despite being in a different environment; in many ways they were just beginning.

"Nine times out of 10 the reason you're starting as a freshman is not because you're the best person in the world," Kozlowski said "It's because you have really good potential and other people got hurt, other crap happened and they just throw you into the fire. Everyone starts telling you, 'You're going to play in the NFL. You're going to do this, you're going to do that.' For me it was expected because my older brothers all played in the NFL. I had to live with this expectation and then when I did do good it was because 'oh, well your brothers are in the NFL."

Eventually all the self-loathing came to a head for Kozlowski after his football career was ended by a series of injuries. It all started with a lacerated liver he suffered at New Mexico that nearly ended his life on the field. Then it was discovered he had been playing football with 13 unhealed concussions that Kozlowski admitted he went to great lengths to hide because he felt like he was nothing without football. At first he turned to alcohol to self medicate, but couldn't keep it up with the lacerated liver, so he turned instead to marijuana which had an adverse affect with the anesthesia from one of his surgeries.

"I remember all of these thoughts started going through my head," Kozlowski said. "Everything from my entire life- nothing. I don't even know who my dad is- all of this stuff- the depression hit me really hard and I had all of these pain pills. I don't know if it was an actual panic attack- I don't know what it was but it was a bad, dark place and I just looked at all my pain pills and said, 'ya know what I need to take my life.'"

23 Percocets, five Vicodin and a bunch of 800 mg Ibuprofen tablets later, one of his neighbors heard Kozlowski hit the floor and called for help. Kozlowski later woke up in the University hospital.

"This doctor walked in and it was like he was an angel," Kozlowski recalls. "I remember he was glowing white, white hair. I didn't even know if he was a real doctor and he walked in real calm and sat there kinda looked at me, looked at my chart and all these other doctors were looking at me like some kind of science experiment trying to figure out what was wrong with me. He asked one simple question. 'David, are you happy?' Boom. I just started balling my eyes out. I couldn't breath I was crying hysterically. It turns out he was a psychiatrist."

Kozlowski says the best day of his life was the day he was officially told he could no longer play football and while there was till a long road of healing and dealing with personal demons ahead of him his life took on a new role. "I looked over the valley and it was the best day of my life. I felt I could start a life then because I was like 'this is all I've got, this is all I've got.' Then when I was told I couldn't play anymore I was like 'thank God,'" he said. "I admitted to myself that I don't even love football. I liked it as a game but I just wanted to be a regular guy and have a regular life."

While Kozlowski is no longer a football star, his life has been far from regular. He cleaned up his act and is now a licensed Marriage and Family counselor and has a degree in counseling psychology. Kozlowski says for the longest time he never had a desire to be back in Utah saying when he left was the best memory he had, but he eventually married a girl from Riverton and on a trip to visit family Kozlowski says he was hit by this feeling that Utah was where he needed to be.

After going through some relicensing, Kozlowski started seeing clients again and one in particular brought to light just why Kozlowski needed to be back in Utah. He had been helping a family with their son, but one day the father came in and asked if Kozlowski could help his daughter who had been sexually assaulted by her best friend's dad.

"I had lots of experience working with girls who had been sexually assaulted and raped and abused because of all of the treatment centers I'd worked at," Kozlowski said of his confidence that he could help the girl. "That's a big background for a lot of girls who are struggling in their own personal life. I knew how to get that trust and to feel safe and secure. In one sense they feel safer and secure talking to a woman but in the same sense if a man is a part of your hurt and pain you need another safe relationship with a man to be part of your healing. You can't not have relationships with men. Nobody wants that. You want to feel safe no matter who you're with."

Kozlowski's counseling was helping the girl, but wasn't enough. The depression, hurt and shame she was experiencing on a daily basis was too much for the one time straight A student and cheerleader to handle. She started partying, was failing classes and had tried to commit suicide twice. She felt isolated and alone. She needed to be around a group of kids who were feeling and going through the same things. The only problem was that there was no such out-reach group without her having to go the clinical route and seeing a different counselor. Eventually the family turned to Kozlowski to help create something and Quit Trip'n was essentially born.

At the time Kozlowski didn't know how big of an undertaking the task was or how much it would grow with very little effort. "I knew it couldn't be just girls, it couldn't just be sex abuse, it couldn't just be depression," Kozlowski said. "At first we were just going to call it a depression group and I remember there were seven kids. Every single one of them their parents gave me permission and as I was counseling them they bought what I was selling."

Eventually the group out-grew the "depression" label and had expanded by word of mouth from the seven original group members, or original groupsters as they call themselves. "One thing led to another and I found out we needed to stop calling it a depression group and everybody in there had felt suicidal at one point," Kozlowski said. "Maybe not every day, but everybody had anxiety, everybody had family/relationship issues. It finally came to a point where we just opened it up to everybody. Over the next five years [the kids] really created the group based on what they needed."

Part of what makes Quit Trip'n the success it is despite dealing with a very tough and stigmatized subject (mental health and suicide) is the branding which Kozlowski has taken great care to make appealing to his target audience.

"I realized from the action sports industry my goal is like how can I take what they have done to draw in the interest of teenagers? They market, they brand and in such a unique way that they a) use athletes and b) have a logo and branding that teenagers can connect with so they will spend their money and associate themselves with the brand," Kozlowski said. "The brand becomes a part of their lifestyle. Why can't I do that with counseling, but not counseling? Why can't we do that with young people and get them to buy into some type of help?"

Another aspect that makes Quit Trip'n popular with the teenagers that it helps have been the guest appearances from people the kids look up to. Kozlowski has tapped into his former athlete days and has had everyone from Kenneth Scott, Kaelin Clay, Tim Patrick, Andy Phillips, Sean O'Connell and Jan Jorgensen just to name a few come by. The interesting thing about these guest appearances is that the listed guys are used to coming out to give a talk and offer advice, but in this case they are asked to observe and then later participate if they want to. In many cases Kozlowski says it's hard to tell who helped who. It's a sensation Kozlowski believes can take them to the next level.

"All of the higher profile athletes and musicians we have- their fear is that it's going to get out and everyone is going to criticize them but in a group of teenagers that fear turns into 'I got to be real with them," he said. "These kids need me to make them not feel horrible.' They just know they have to say something and then you start hearing stories like my best friend died, I tried to commit suicide, I've struggled with depression, addictions, pornography and these kids feel like they have a connection."

Kozlowski continues saying more than anything Quit Trip'n is about building relationships and being vulnerable in a safe judgment free environment. "It helps teenagers have a relationship with themselves by being vulnerable in front of other people and then when other people accept them they feel like maybe they are worth something," he said. "At the end of group we go over 'you are not depression, you're not anxiety, you're not a drug addict. You're not all of these stigmas- it's just what you're going through but it's not who you are.'"

Kozlowski feels the biggest down fall of mental health and suicide awareness right now is the stigma that it's who a person is rather than what they are dealing with. "People feel like talking about it as the solution. I believe it's part of the solution. Talking about CTE, talking about depression- it's part of the solution," he said. "The real solution is in the connection. If you can't connect with other like-minded people who are struggling in the same way then you are not going to get to that next level of 'now what do I do about it?'"

To learn more about Quit Trip'n or how to help visit their website: www.quittripn.org